AB Gracey

No matter how confident we start, gaslighting damages our sense of self "I don't agree with that." So simple to say. So hard for some of us. Why? Because some of us become people pleasers. I know. I was one. I had a hard time speaking up for myself, let alone arguing my point of view. How could I? I was too unsure of myself.  I had learned to "be according to other's wishes." But I was unaware. I thought I was kind and thoughtful and generous. I didn't see I was a ghost. It happens to those who have been gaslighted over a period of time. It's hard to know yourself after years of having your perception of reality constantly questioned, when your opinion is routinely dismissed as unimportant, when you are told you are too sensitive when barbed comments hurt. "I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke?" is the common phrase of gaslighters. You can be gaslighted and be totally unaware of your diminished sense of self.  When you free yoursel...

Sunrise on a cold morning It was my day off. There was a fire roaring in the fireplace and music rocking the room.  But I wasn't feeling it.  I was feeling lost. To be honest, I was feeling a little depressed.  I went down the list:  Work. It was a busy week. But not that busy. Food. I hadn't eaten anything crappy. So, no again. Sunshine. I'm very affected by the sun, I mean, by the lack of sun. But it was a fully sunny day, So, no to that too. Relationship. We were the best we've ever been. In fact, he had gone in to work so I could have the house free. A gift to me. And speaking of gifts, he had bought me flowers this week.  So no, it wasn't my relationship. I was just having a down day. I'm reminded of a sentence of a client. "I've decided to be comfortable being uncomfortable." This stuck with me. In fact, I've been repeating it often. To myself. To clients. To friends. I decided to adopt it. I'm going to be comfortable with my down day...

  I rumaged through my journals from 1997 in an effort to complete a workshop assignment. Maybe something here will spark a memory or throught or emotion . As I leafed through the pages, I saw myself needy, lonely. questionimg. defeated and flailing in life.  "I feel worthless, as they seem to see me. As though I have been judged and found wanting...." "I wonder if life was meant to be so painful..." "My days go by painfully slow - slow because of the little hope I now have." "My emotions are such a struggle for me. Sometimes I want to just give up." "I always fear how what I'm trying to say will get hopelessly entangled with what is understood." "I no longer believe it is the life God has planned for me. I only lack the courage to take the steps necessary to leave." "I live in deep pain and anguish. Daily there are reminders of how I do not fit here." As I read through these and many similar sentiments, I wonder...

I watched the news with growing humor. "So, they think this snow worth talking about?" I thought as the camera panned around to show a scattering of flakes nestled among the blades of grass. You see, my views are completely influenced by growing up in Upstate New York where being inundated by lake affect snow was a regular thing. White-outs were our "snow storms". These little flurries were a joke to me. That's because I've experienced differently. I think this is an important point to make. Experience is a great teacher. But what about things we do not experience?  That's where we learn from the experience of others. But what if we think our experience of an event is the only story?  Then we would be wrong. Empathy is described as the ability to live in another's shoes. We can only do that if we listen to a story that is not ours, and give ourselves time to understand. One of the most wonderful things about being a therapist is that I hear stories f...