Walking away from the Ghost

No matter how confident we start, gaslighting damages our sense of self

"I don't agree with that."

So simple to say.

So hard for some of us.

Why?

Because some of us become people pleasers.

I know. I was one.

I had a hard time speaking up for myself, let alone arguing my point of view. How could I? I was too unsure of myself. 

I had learned to "be according to other's wishes."

But I was unaware.

I thought I was kind and thoughtful and generous.

I didn't see I was a ghost.

It happens to those who have been gaslighted over a period of time.

It's hard to know yourself after years of having your perception of reality constantly questioned, when your opinion is routinely dismissed as unimportant, when you are told you are too sensitive when barbed comments hurt. "I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke?" is the common phrase of gaslighters.

You can be gaslighted and be totally unaware of your diminished sense of self. 

When you free yourself from the abuse, you think it is all over. Now, I can be my true self, you say to yourself.

You go forth with confidence and are confused when you feel lost. Or when you find it difficult to make decisions. Or when you become anxious and just wish you could consult someone. What am I doing wrong? is often the thoought.

I remember those days. 

Speaking up didn't seem monumental. It wasn't even on my list.

Then, one day I complained about the ill-treatment of my boss. A co-worker turned to me and said, "She treats you that way because you let her." It was like a verbal slap in the face.

I thought about her words and wondered, How can I stop someone from treating me that way? It took some reflection to recognize, I needed to speak up.

I think only someone who has been gaslighted can know the anxiety, fear, even terror of trying to stand up for yourself.

My first attempt was a disaster. As I stood in the doorway of my boss' office I said I needed to speak to her. Without getting up she turned slightly towards the door and said, "Yes?" As I tried to get the words out that I had practiced in my head, my voice revealed my fear and anxiety. 

She immediately turned full on to look at me and responded, "Oh, go back to your cubicle and stop having a meltdown in my office."

That was my first try. 

It didn't get much better. A friend's son used to make barbed remarks to me as a joke. I tried answering back. My friend chided me, "Not nice, not nice."

I recognized I was not good at this speaking up. But I wouldn't give up trying. Again and again and again I worked at it. Sometimes my fear got the better of me. Sometimes I did it poorly. But eventually, I began to have less fear, to know I had the right to express an opinion just as much as anyone else. And I began to find myself.

Recently, the trauma community identified a fourth trauma response. It's called "Fawn". Yes, you heard me right. Fight, flight, freeze and fawn. 

Fawning is people-pleasing, with the hope of preventing verbal or emotional or even physical abuse. Those of us experiencing gaslighting and emotional and verbal trauma can slip into this protective defense mechanism.

A couple years ago I was at a friend's house and needed to make a business phone call about a change of plans. When I hung up, my friend asked, "How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Speak up like that to someone?"

I knew then, that I was doing better.  

"Can't you take time off work?" one person asked me recently, as if speaking up for myself is a sign of being overworked. As if the ability to express myself is now offensive. I recognize this, and I know I cannot be both the kind person who never says "booo," and the authentic person who knows how to speak up.

So I continue working on it. I encourage you to speak up. As hard as it is, it is also rewarding.