Through the Fear of Judgement

 

I rumaged through my journals from 1997 in an effort to complete a workshop assignment. Maybe something here will spark a memory or throught or emotion.

As I leafed through the pages, I saw myself needy, lonely. questionimg. defeated and flailing in life. 

"I feel worthless, as they seem to see me. As though I have been judged and found wanting...."

"I wonder if life was meant to be so painful..."

"My days go by painfully slow - slow because of the little hope I now have."

"My emotions are such a struggle for me. Sometimes I want to just give up."

"I always fear how what I'm trying to say will get hopelessly entangled with what is understood."

"I no longer believe it is the life God has planned for me. I only lack the courage to take the steps necessary to leave."

"I live in deep pain and anguish. Daily there are reminders of how I do not fit here."

As I read through these and many similar sentiments, I wonder what had happened to that happy girl who entered the monastery at 16, eager and on fire to serve God.

Where had her enthusiasm gone? How had that "happy go lucky" spirit died?

I think it happened through one word; judgement.

Judgement happens all the time. We are all subjected to it as it is a part of everyday life, something not within our control.

For me, as a young, naive teenager, it was devastating. I had not learned how to seek affirmation within myself. I took all my cues from outside sources. And so, I became devastated by the judgements. I had not grown in self-esteem, self-worth or confidence. I had no one help me turn inward and affirm myself.

It took years after I left for me to grow a positive sense of self. I still struggle with it.

But I understand it so much better when others express their fears about being judged. I know the terror and hurt of being judged and the damage it can do to the psyche.

And I know the solution is not to run or hide or even suffer. The solution is within ourselves, through the help of a good friend or confidant, to heal and believe and accept.