AB Gracey

  I felt like running away today. I wanted to escape. So I did, back to 2012, through thoughts I had recorded during that time. Here are a few .... "September 3, 2012.   I spend so much time trying to find value in suffering. I do that because when people find out that I was in a monastery for 29 years, they expect me to have regrets. Yes, that’s the constant temptation. If I don’t find something valuable in those years, then it's just a big loss. So perhaps I overdo my efforts to find value in suffering." "I thought when I left the monastery, I would make a name for myself faster than I have.  And so here I am, still struggling and waiting to write a memoir because I think that I don’t know enough, I don’t write well enough, I don’t think many would be interested in my story. I don’t want it to be just a story. I want it to be a reflection, poignant and soul-searching. I want it to speak to people so they can identify with it, that it opens up something for them as ...

No matter how confident we start, gaslighting damages our sense of self "I don't agree with that." So simple to say. So hard for some of us. Why? Because some of us become people pleasers. I know. I was one. I had a hard time speaking up for myself, let alone arguing my point of view. How could I? I was too unsure of myself.  I had learned to "be according to other's wishes." But I was unaware. I thought I was kind and thoughtful and generous. I didn't see I was a ghost. It happens to those who have been gaslighted over a period of time. It's hard to know yourself after years of having your perception of reality constantly questioned, when your opinion is routinely dismissed as unimportant, when you are told you are too sensitive when barbed comments hurt. "I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke?" is the common phrase of gaslighters. You can be gaslighted and be totally unaware of your diminished sense of self.  When you free yoursel...

Sunrise on a cold morning It was my day off. There was a fire roaring in the fireplace and music rocking the room.  But I wasn't feeling it.  I was feeling lost. To be honest, I was feeling a little depressed.  I went down the list:  Work. It was a busy week. But not that busy. Food. I hadn't eaten anything crappy. So, no again. Sunshine. I'm very affected by the sun, I mean, by the lack of sun. But it was a fully sunny day, So, no to that too. Relationship. We were the best we've ever been. In fact, he had gone in to work so I could have the house free. A gift to me. And speaking of gifts, he had bought me flowers this week.  So no, it wasn't my relationship. I was just having a down day. I'm reminded of a sentence of a client. "I've decided to be comfortable being uncomfortable." This stuck with me. In fact, I've been repeating it often. To myself. To clients. To friends. I decided to adopt it. I'm going to be comfortable with my down day...

  I rumaged through my journals from 1997 in an effort to complete a workshop assignment. Maybe something here will spark a memory or throught or emotion . As I leafed through the pages, I saw myself needy, lonely. questionimg. defeated and flailing in life.  "I feel worthless, as they seem to see me. As though I have been judged and found wanting...." "I wonder if life was meant to be so painful..." "My days go by painfully slow - slow because of the little hope I now have." "My emotions are such a struggle for me. Sometimes I want to just give up." "I always fear how what I'm trying to say will get hopelessly entangled with what is understood." "I no longer believe it is the life God has planned for me. I only lack the courage to take the steps necessary to leave." "I live in deep pain and anguish. Daily there are reminders of how I do not fit here." As I read through these and many similar sentiments, I wonder...

I watched the news with growing humor. "So, they think this snow worth talking about?" I thought as the camera panned around to show a scattering of flakes nestled among the blades of grass. You see, my views are completely influenced by growing up in Upstate New York where being inundated by lake affect snow was a regular thing. White-outs were our "snow storms". These little flurries were a joke to me. That's because I've experienced differently. I think this is an important point to make. Experience is a great teacher. But what about things we do not experience?  That's where we learn from the experience of others. But what if we think our experience of an event is the only story?  Then we would be wrong. Empathy is described as the ability to live in another's shoes. We can only do that if we listen to a story that is not ours, and give ourselves time to understand. One of the most wonderful things about being a therapist is that I hear stories f...

It's a fine line. The difference between using humor for self-care or as a defense mechanism. Between accepting someone for who they are or enabling them to continue in their dysfunction. Between practicing self-care or becoming self-absorbed. Between recognizing the abuse you have suffered or being a victim and blaming everyone else for your struggles. Between standing up for yourself or becoming touchy and taking things personally.  I point this out because unless you know someone's story, there is so much you cannot know and do not understand. You may find them selfish, while they are struggling to finally take some time for themselves. You may call them a victim, while they are working to heal, to understand and reframe. You may blame them for their trauma response, while they are working their hardest to stop the trauma response and find some stability. If there is one thing I've learned as a trauma therapist, it is that the we have no clue of most people's stories...