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How Religion Hurts Those who Love

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Main Stream Churches can use tactics that harm just as cults do I found in my spiritual journey that it was easy for my spirituality to be “above ground” as it were. I followed the rules, I adhered to the doctrines, I submitted to authority. I believed that this was what I needed to do to be faithful. But in my reading of the Gospels, Jesus had issues with this kind of “faithfulness” even to the point to calling those who promoted it as “whitewashed coffins with dead bones in them.” (not a direct quote). When I look back, I see how this faithfulness worked in the beginning. I imagined myself becoming holy, acceptable to God, on my way to perfection. Then when life changed and things got hard with my soul filled with darkness instead of light, my joy evaportated. I sought help from the leaders who instructed me in my faith, but they continued giving me the same lines, that if I had more faith, I wouldn't be struggling. They told me I lacked generosity and was unwilling to carry my c...
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People pleasers. It's a brand that others like, but that damages ourselves. I know. I'm one. But how do we stop being people pleasers and begin to do what we want without the guilt? Here are five ways: Remember that pleasing others is not a virtue, but rather a deficit. It makes you easy to manipulate. Keep that in mind when someone asks you for something and you need to say no thank you. Strike the fear of change. Most change is good. Lack of change will keep you stuck. It's a trap. Look to the future. Constantly thinking of the past keeps you in a place gone but still alive and well in your mind. You cannot do anything about what happened, only about how you will now live. Ruminating thoughts. Learn self-soothing techniques to help calm overthinking. Each time you find yourself on that roller coaster of worry, do some deep breathing, some meditation, or sit and read a book.
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What is Your Fine Line?

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  It's a lovely day, with clouds buffering the hot sun and birds foraging among our bushes and flower beds. As I relax under the gazebo, thoughts come to mind. I'm thinking about how long it takes to heal. It was not enough to process my past. I also had to unlearn so many things - how to accept my wounded self -how to speak kindly to myself - how to recognize when an incident was taking me back to a painful memory and work to re-interpret it because the person before me is not the abuser from my past. What I'm thinking about today is the "fine line". There is such a fine line when learning about self and relationships with others. I think that is why wise sayings, despite being inspiring, sometimes annoy me. It's as though we can learn the lessons in life through one sentence. I wish it were that easy. But it isn't. As I work to grow and learn, I see that there is a fine line in so many things. A fine line between standing up for myself and speaking my mi...
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A Way to Run Away

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  I felt like running away today. I wanted to escape. So I did, back to 2012, through thoughts I had recorded during that time. Here are a few .... "September 3, 2012.   I spend so much time trying to find value in suffering. I do that because when people find out that I was in a monastery for 29 years, they expect me to have regrets. Yes, that’s the constant temptation. If I don’t find something valuable in those years, then it's just a big loss. So perhaps I overdo my efforts to find value in suffering." "I thought when I left the monastery, I would make a name for myself faster than I have.  And so here I am, still struggling and waiting to write a memoir because I think that I don’t know enough, I don’t write well enough, I don’t think many would be interested in my story. I don’t want it to be just a story. I want it to be a reflection, poignant and soul-searching. I want it to speak to people so they can identify with it, that it opens up something for them as ...
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Walking away from the Ghost

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No matter how confident we start, gaslighting damages our sense of self "I don't agree with that." So simple to say. So hard for some of us. Why? Because some of us become people pleasers. I know. I was one. I had a hard time speaking up for myself, let alone arguing my point of view. How could I? I was too unsure of myself.  I had learned to "be according to other's wishes." But I was unaware. I thought I was kind and thoughtful and generous. I didn't see I was a ghost. It happens to those who have been gaslighted over a period of time. It's hard to know yourself after years of having your perception of reality constantly questioned, when your opinion is routinely dismissed as unimportant, when you are told you are too sensitive when barbed comments hurt. "I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke?" is the common phrase of gaslighters. You can be gaslighted and be totally unaware of your diminished sense of self.  When you free yoursel...
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Being Comfortable being Uncomfortable

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Sunrise on a cold morning It was my day off. There was a fire roaring in the fireplace and music rocking the room.  But I wasn't feeling it.  I was feeling lost. To be honest, I was feeling a little depressed.  I went down the list:  Work. It was a busy week. But not that busy. Food. I hadn't eaten anything crappy. So, no again. Sunshine. I'm very affected by the sun, I mean, by the lack of sun. But it was a fully sunny day, So, no to that too. Relationship. We were the best we've ever been. In fact, he had gone in to work so I could have the house free. A gift to me. And speaking of gifts, he had bought me flowers this week.  So no, it wasn't my relationship. I was just having a down day. I'm reminded of a sentence of a client. "I've decided to be comfortable being uncomfortable." This stuck with me. In fact, I've been repeating it often. To myself. To clients. To friends. I decided to adopt it. I'm going to be comfortable with my down day...
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Through the Fear of Judgement

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  I rumaged through my journals from 1997 in an effort to complete a workshop assignment. Maybe something here will spark a memory or throught or emotion . As I leafed through the pages, I saw myself needy, lonely. questionimg. defeated and flailing in life.  "I feel worthless, as they seem to see me. As though I have been judged and found wanting...." "I wonder if life was meant to be so painful..." "My days go by painfully slow - slow because of the little hope I now have." "My emotions are such a struggle for me. Sometimes I want to just give up." "I always fear how what I'm trying to say will get hopelessly entangled with what is understood." "I no longer believe it is the life God has planned for me. I only lack the courage to take the steps necessary to leave." "I live in deep pain and anguish. Daily there are reminders of how I do not fit here." As I read through these and many similar sentiments, I wonder...
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