Giving Something Different

"Let's pretend we didn't hear that," the actor said. The words struck deep. Let's pretend it isn't happening, let's pretend it's all okay, let's pretend..."

Many of us have said it to ourselves. It's how we keep relationships, friendships, or the family appearance.

The problem with pretending is that we don't deal with the issue and end up repeating the game.

I'm a pretty kind person. I am sensitive to the needs of others. But I had this attitude of superiority. I'd gone through tough times. You should too. You should know what I've been through, wimp.

We call it the cycle of abuse. Giving to others what was given to us.

It starts with saying, "Well, you think you've got it tough. You don't know what tough is." That one statement negates the other person's experience, and in effect, is gaslighting them.

How about, "You need to toughen up if you want to be anyone." Or, "You think you have it rough? This is what happened to me....."

Without knowing it, we do to others what was done to use. That is why it is called a cycle. And we can be as unaware of what we are doing as those who did it to us. 

How do we stop the cycle?

By reflecting. Start by identifying those things that suppressed or abused or humiliated you and work to see that you don't repeat those actions.

For me, it's never using the words, "When I was your age...." I found it dismissive when it was done to me. So it is important that I don't belittle those who have not experienced what I've experienced. I need to allow this person the respect of letting them go through life as it is for them. I need to believe that in their experience, things are hard, or hurtful, or confusing. I need to accept that their experience is as valid as mine. 

I cannot say enough how important this is. When we treat others differently than we've been treated, we break the cycle, be it abuse, or humiliation, or lack of acceptance.

This is truth.

This is accepting.

This is giving something different.