Authenticity: challenges and struggles

Many of us fear being judged by others. I've heard it in the voices of my clients. I've experienced it myself.  

For me, judgment came most notably during my time in the monastery and often made me feel less than. I found that despite my efforts to follow the rules I always fell short if I believed those who criticized me. In time, I became watchful. Judgment was just around the corner. 

I left the monastery, not realizing how sensitive I'd become. It didn't take much. A laugh about my manners, a raised eyebrow over my ignorance of something in pop culture, a snide remark about my lack of experience. The pain drove me inward. I was hiding in plain sight. It wasn't a conscious act. It was my defense mechanism, automatic, and part of my coping strategies at that time. 

Then I learned about my trauma, how it affects the self-image, the coping strategies that we develop in trauma that don't work outside of trauma.

That's when my real work began. 

And it is that work that has taught me to recognize the two things necessary for authenticity. 

1. I have to re-discover my real self. 

We take on so many stances in trauma that we develop layers. There's the compliant self, the angry self, the hidden self, the fearful self. The list goes on and on. We don't intend to present such images. We are just trying to survive, to make it out of whatever difficult trap we are in.

For me, it meant finding the playful, adventurous girl again, the one who hadn't even thought about what others thought. The one focused on dreams of what life could be. I wanted to be a musician. I dreamed of writing. I had a carefree spirit. It was still there, underneath the fear. I had to coax her out again.

2. Not being afraid to show that authentic self. 

I had to grow in confidence before I could overcome the sensitivity to criticism. I had to tell myself over and over again, what others thought of me said more about them than it did about me.

I had to believe that being authentic was more powerful.

I am working towards that end, not being afraid to say what I think, where life has taken me, how my faith, my opinions, my goals have evolved, and therefore, changed. The growth that some may not approve of or understand. The growth that may get me judged.

I'm still working on this stage. I remind myself that the greatest strength I can demonstrate is authenticity. To myself. To others.

Has anything I've said spoken to you? Have you lived in an abusive marriage, a strained childhood, a controlling church? Have you ever feared the judgments of others?

If so, I hope these words give you hope.