AB Gracey

  I watched as my friend glided across the deck, her movements fluid and graceful. She arched her back and twirled. If only I could be that free-spirited , I thought.  It was Labor Day, and my friend and her husband were throwing their yearly Labor Day Party. As I listened to the live band perform, I watched people chatting as they stood around with food piled on their plates. My friend moved freely between them, padding along in her bare feet, her red hair flowing in the wind. Oh! To be so free. That scene has stayed with me. It has been in stark contrast to my own self-consciousness. I thought my efforts to be authentic were sufficient. I didn't realize how being an empath carried so many roadblocks. If I thought a person might be uncomfortable with what I wanted to say, I'd refrain. I didn't want to be in competition against that person's strong opinions. I didn't like fighting or arguing.  I'm reminded of a presentation I gave in Grad school. It was our Fina...

It was a post by my sister, inviting me to view pictures of the inauguration that I missed. I appreciated the gesture and the opportunity to enjoy the photographs. I thanked her in reply and mentioned I'd seen that Biden had gone to Mass that morning to start off his day. "Humbling." I wrote. Then it started.  First, it was a cousin replying. "Such a good Catholic, he supports late-term abortions." And then a sibling joined in with a comment about "Biden's promotion of murder." I bristled.  The comments brought me back to my youth, to a time when a conservative group from Canada drew my parents in back in the late 1960s. The stance of the group had them questioning everything that was normal or fun until life became black and white, and judgments and criticism became the norm.  It's what caused my mom to removed us from school. It broke my parents' marriage and demanded we choose sides. We have never really recovered from this influence as ...

Self-confidence is such an overused term. On the other hand, I find confidence in self rather rare. So how do we know if we have self-confidence? As one who also struggled to be confident (note: confidence is not arrogance, which is actually a lack of confidence), I came up with these steps: 1. Self-confidence is the ability to allow others to have an opinion different or even opposite of mine.     I've thought long and hard about being uncomfortable with points of view that differ. After all, I was raised Catholic, which taught that ONLY we had the truth and warned against different beliefs. I no longer hold that view. I've seen that the more confidence I have in myself, the less I need others to support my view. That allows for having a conversation instead of madly posting my view in an effort to shout it out to the world.  2. No need to prove myself to others     I spent too many years trying to prove myself to others. It took me a while to realize, it'...

Many of us fear being judged by others. I've heard it in the voices of my clients. I've experienced it myself.   For me, judgment came most notably during my time in the monastery and often made me feel less than. I found that despite my efforts to follow the rules I always fell short if I believed those who criticized me. In time, I became watchful. Judgment was just around the corner.  I left the monastery, not realizing how sensitive I'd become. It didn't take much. A laugh about my manners, a raised eyebrow over my ignorance of something in pop culture, a snide remark about my lack of experience. The pain drove me inward. I was hiding in plain sight. It wasn't a conscious act. It was my defense mechanism, automatic, and part of my coping strategies at that time.  Then I learned about my trauma, how it affects the self-image, the coping strategies that we develop in trauma that don't work outside of trauma. That's when my real work began.  And it is that ...

  Like most, I want to be liked. But my journey through religious trauma, leaving a monastery, trying to integrate back in among family and friends has not been easy. I learned this is normal for those who have experienced trauma. In the beginning, I felt too scared to engage in a meaningful conversation. I feared judgment, or criticism, or outright rejection. So, I sat by quietly, never voicing a real opinion for fear. Yes, constant fear. When I felt comfortable with a few individuals, I chanced to voice opinions and open up. It seemed for a while that a friendship would develop. I even went to Europe on a field trip with a few. But instead of bonding us, I found myself left out of many of their gatherings, confused because I didn't know what I'd done or said that turned them away. It's not been a single case. It's been my storyline. In my journal dated April 13, 2013, I wrote about my being home alone, again. "This 'aloneness' is so very painful. Why has ...

  Sunset This year, I decided I'm not going to concentrate on doing. That's the mistake I make every year. Not bad, just not enough.  This year will be different. That I've decided. Instead of a list of things to accomplish, I'm going to concentrate on one thing: being. I've been inspired by new friends on Twitter. I've seen what slowing down looks like through pictures they post, all requiring patience or good timing or just a mindful eye. When I saw these pictures, I realized I never see these things in nature because I'm rushing. I'm looking for that spectacular sunset, or an unusual object, or something out of the ordinary.  Now, I want to be more like them. I want to catch the sun illuminating a seed pod, or a drop of dew dangling off a blade of grass. I want to catch the faint hint of pink on a normal sunset, or formations in clouds that look like dragons. I want to be more present in this world instead of rushing for the next thing.  I haven't...