Struggling to Gain Acceptance

 

Like most, I want to be liked. But my journey through religious trauma, leaving a monastery, trying to integrate back in among family and friends has not been easy. I learned this is normal for those who have experienced trauma.

In the beginning, I felt too scared to engage in a meaningful conversation. I feared judgment, or criticism, or outright rejection. So, I sat by quietly, never voicing a real opinion for fear. Yes, constant fear.

When I felt comfortable with a few individuals, I chanced to voice opinions and open up. It seemed for a while that a friendship would develop. I even went to Europe on a field trip with a few. But instead of bonding us, I found myself left out of many of their gatherings, confused because I didn't know what I'd done or said that turned them away.

It's not been a single case. It's been my storyline.

In my journal dated April 13, 2013, I wrote about my being home alone, again. "This 'aloneness' is so very painful. Why has life come to this? I feel reckless, like taking off, not finishing this semester, not doing anything but jumping in the car, and taking off to No Where. Why not?  I am a No Body." 

I wrote that in bold caps across the journal page. It was a difficult day.

It's a question I've asked often: what's wrong with me? Are my expectations unrealistic? Am I selfish and not engaged enough? Is there arrogance in me I don't see? Do I need to reach out more? Am I not showing sufficient interest in others?

Maybe I lack honesty and slip back into "performance" mode, one who has a persona to keep? Maybe because my honesty years ago opened me up to betrayal I struggle with it?

Fear. It's a common symptom for trauma survivors. Feeling on the sidelines is also a common experience.

I share this so if you are a trauma survivor and feel on the sidelines, you know you aren't alone.